A Brothel's Bouncer
by Midnight Crusader
Summary: A day in the life of a young fire elemental working inside a brothel. Fourth in the Adventure Time Gaiden pentalogy.


You wake up to the sound of an alarm ringing along with the smell of someone cooking with a skillet invading your nostrils. It's your mother's cooking and your stomach growled eagerly for her morning fill. Wasting no time, you dressed hurriedly in your tunic and raced to the kitchen table where she serves you hotcakes, bacon, and orange juice.

"So this is your second day working in a brothel, hmm?" she asked as you drank the glass of orange juice dry.

"I'm just a bouncer there. The only bouncer," you answered bluntly to her, placing the empty glass on the table as you wiped your mouth with a napkin.

"Well, I'm sure you can pick up a girlfriend there,"

"Mother, please, I just turned eighteen,"

"_~Old enough to fondle a woman's pride!~_" she chirped out a tune.

"Yeah... well thanks for the breakfast," you said to her before you don on your elaborately decorated ebony armor, grabbed your spear, and left your mother's house to be greeted by the underground labyrinthine city of the Fire Kingdom outside.

There's nothing worthy to catch a stare except for the rare fire nymph alongside with rarer three water nymphs heading towards a brothel; but not to the brothel you're going; it's all the way to the Cotton Candy Forest near the outskirts of the Candy Kingdom, where it is rumored that Queen Bubblegum and the Flame Princess, in secret, often visit and usually have a threesome with a desirable male fire elemental.

"Heh. Screwed up family,"

You gave out a chuckle as you climbed up to the surface; and if they ever try to advance towards you sexually, you'll shove the blunt end of your spear up their ani.

...But... their wombs carry the eggs where the eleventh generation lies dormant; and killing them will doom the entire world. So it's better to knock them out cold, or better yet, just run away.

Well, anyway, just as you were about to step inside the moongate outside the castle, courtesy of the immigrants of the Ice Kingdom, you were suddenly ambushed by the Flame Princess herself along with her two cronies. You were taken by surprise as she smacked you in the crotch with her yo-yo before the crony with the lab coat throws a flask chilled by liquid nitrogen at you; killing you. Soon after, the princess approached your frosted corpse and grabbed a mana potion that you kept to give to your new friend that you met in the brothel yesterday.

Suddenly, the same man that threw the flask, pointed his orbed staff at you, and with a spark of lightning, your corpse starts re-animating back to life and you slowly rose up to your feet. Dazed, but completely alive.

"My apologies, fire guard. No hard feelings, okay?" he apologized as he gave out a small bow; and off they go to meander around the flatland, mugging other victims that happened to carry the potion as well. With a disgruntled curse, you entered inside the moongate and teleported to the brothel in an instant. As you entered inside the building you are greeted with quaint music, dim lights, and the smell of cheap perfume.

You gave out a brief chuckle, but not an erection, underneath the thick helm.

"At least this job pays modestly," you said to yourself.

Before long, you met the friend that you planned to give the potion to: a young water nymph.

"Hey there!" she greeted you with a handwave.

You gave her a simple, silent nod.

"Is there something wrong? You're not as chipper as I remembered yesterday," she asked.

"I was about to give you a mana potion, since you are a thaumaturge, but I was attacked by the Flame Princess herself," you answered.

"Oh, that's too bad," she shrugged. "Well, she is the tenth lich hunter and needs all the supplies she can mug for her little adventure,"

"Yeah..." you grumbled.

"Well, I got a customer to attend to. Are you going to get bored here?"

"No, no. I'll spend my entire time outside whistling tunes,"

"Okay then. Well, I'll see you when I have the time," and she left to the back door alongside her customer. As you guarded post outside, you pondered about what are you going to do here.

"So I'll be working here from now on, huh? Wonder how this will turn out?"

As her session came to an end, she and the customer left the back door and you stared at the human leaving the entrance with stars on his eyes. You look inside the door, saw her, and went inside.

"So, you're quite the worker?" you said.

"Uh huh," she nodded.

"Well, are you done?" you asked.

"Until I get a new customer, then yes,"

"So what do you do before your next customer?"

"I just sit around and mingle with them,"

"But that defeats the purpose!"

"You're so funny!" she giggled as you caught glimpses of her razor-sharp teeth.

"Ha ha," you sarcastically laughed back in a flat tone, and suddenly, another customer approached her and asks for her services.

"Well, I got another customer, and if you excuse me, I got work to do,"

She stood up and they both sat down on a nearby couch to begin the conversation. As you were about to leave outside, she approached you as the customer already walked to a room inside the back door.

"Hey, do you wanna help me get all the things I need for my next customer?"

"But what about guarding post?"

"Don't worry. There's not much of a threat that happens to brothels,"

"Fine, but only once. I don't think what you say is true," and the two of you went inside the back door and traveled to a clinic attended by a nurse wearing a medical mask armed with two shotguns and some kind of medikit filled with a tropical disease.

"Hello there, and what do you want?" the green-skinned nurse greeted.

"Oh you know why I'm here for. I need some condoms, some sanitizers, tissues..."

"Okay, I'll get the things you need in a moment,"

She grabbed a plastic bag and filled it with all the things she requested. "Here you go. Got all the things you need in this plastic bag," she said as she handed the bag to her, and the nymph gave the bag to you before leaving.

"Are you going to service him now?" you asked.

"Not yet. I need to change into new lingerie, for sanitary reasons,"

As you stood guard outside her room, she took a shower, changed into new clothes, and opened the door.

"Are you ready?" you asked.

"Yep!" and you gave her the bag.

"Well, If you need me I'll be outside," you said to her before going back to the lobby. As you were about to go outside, the bartender hollered at you.

"So you're the new bouncer here, huh?" he asked in a gruff voice, and you gave him a simple nod.

"Oh, well why not have something to drink? It's on the house," he continued.

As you sat down, you ordered ale and quickly drank the glass dry.

"...How long have you been working here anyway?" you asked.

"When I was your age," he answered. "...You know, you may not notice, but I'm the owner of this brothel,"

"Oh, so you work like this because...?"

He didn't answered your question and gave out out a brief chuckle.

"I remember when the Flame Princess herself arrived here yesterday along with her two cronies,"

"Yeah, I remember it also. I was there yesterday. Outside,"

"Haw! I remember when the human said to her, "Why are we here, princess?" as the dragon covered his mouth from the perfume before she finally blurted out that she's too young and left. Some spectacle, eh?"

"Yeah, but was it really the perfume?" you asked him.

"Who knows? Why not ask him the next time you see him. If it is, then I have to aerate this place if many more people do that,"

As the brothel closed for the night, you and the water elemental bumped into the same dragon at the forest as you were about to escort her back to her home.

"Oh, you're the dragon I saw yesterday!"

With a green tinted glow on his eyes, he responded to you with a simple, "Yes,"

"You're that bouncer that I saw yesterday," he continued before taking a glance at the water nymph.

"...Nice lass you got there, and if you excuse me, I got... bigger heads to roll," and he walked away.

"Also, about yesterday, dragon. Why did you covered your mouth?"

The dragon stopped, looked back at you, and answered, "...Estrogen," with a blunt tone before disappearing into shadows of the night.

"So he's estrogen sensitive..." you muttered to yourself before going on your way to the beaches near the borders of the grasslands and the Ice Kingdom.

"Thanks for walking with me back home," she thanked you, and gave a small kiss on your helm before submerging herself into the water. With a heartfelt sigh, you traveled back to your home where your mother warmly greeted you.

"How was your day?"

"It was good," you answered.

"So, did you find a girlfriend?"

"Mmm, I guess," you shrugged.

"I'm so proud for you! So, what was she?"

"A water elemental," you answered bluntly.

"Oh, that's... typical. Well, as long as your happy,"

"_Yeah._" you yawned before going to your room. After a change of clothes and brushing of teeth, you jumped into your bed and fall fast asleep, awaiting for the next day of monotony.

* * *

_I was so, so, so unsatisfied with the old story. So I did what every good author does and re-wrote it._


End file.
